On The Great British Bake-Off, Pastry Week becomes downright NSFW

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Giuseppe on the Great British Baking Show

Screenshot: Netflix

It is Pastry Week to The great british Pastry shop Pastry show, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to write about anything that goes in this episode that doesn’t involve squirting things in or out of at least two holes. [Stares vacantly out window for three hours]

Pastry, in Britain, refers to dough, and what we call pastry, they call it pastry shop. In this year’s Pastry Week challenge, the bakers have—

Uh … yeah, so the bakers have to uh … okay, you know what? I’m gonna need another minute. [Stares vacantly out window for another hour]

Pastry week is a celebration of everything dough-related, from stiff hot water crusts, to light and airy choux pastry, to puff pastry …

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Where was i? I lost my place. Surely the judges can inject some civility here? What do you say, Prue?

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

Okay, we’re just going to dive right into the Signature Bake because this rundown is going to kill me in the end.


Signature Cooking: Two Lots of Decorated Chouxnuts

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

SHIT, CRYSTELLE, ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS SHIT? Take a deep breath, Allison. Are you a professional. You can do it. Hmm … Choux are slices of fried choux pastry; a very moist paste that swells to the touch—

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

Alright, whatever. We are done here. Cabbages are ruined for me forever. Thank you very much bakers.


Technical cooking: Baklava

For this year’s Pastry Week technique, bakers need to make their own filo dough, roll it into dozens of paper-thin layers, and make a finely decorated baklava in two hours and forty-five minutes. Incredibly, it’s not close to being dumbest tech challenge I’ve never seen it on this show. All the bakers managed to do a lot better than they should have, and no one squirted anything through the holes. Everyone should be very proud of themselves.


Showstopper Bake: Complex Terrine Tart

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

I CAN’T HEAR YOU, GEORGE, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

A terrine is a meat pie made from hot water puff pastry. So far, so good. No discussion of the holes. Come on, Allison. Keep it moving.

So let’s talk about it Amanda, whose terrine dramatically imploded, and the handsome knight in shining armor who came to his aid. That’s right, we’re talking about none other than Chigs, our Season 12 official sex symbol and the kind of man who will gladly burn poop with his hands to help keep hot juices from dripping uncontrollably.

When the top of Amanda’s terrine comes off as she unmoulds it, Chigs rushes over and thrusts his bare hands around her hot pie, holding it together as its walls begin to crumble, while Amanda sets down several times a hot metal terrine mold on its delicate flesh. It’s a total structural failure, but Chigs won’t abandon his friend, helping Amanda mend her broken bowl as best he can. Know who would be really helpful in this kind of situation? A structural engineer. Do you know who is a structural engineer? Giuseppe. Do you know what Giuseppe is doing? This:

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

Now we have gritted our teeth by the departure of Mary Berry, reluctantly accepted the challenges becoming ludicrous, and unwittingly agreed to let Dame Prue Leith’s talk of the holes in our heads live without rent until our day of our day. dead. The only reason I kept this show because it jumps over an ocean of sharks’s worth because of his civility; I love to be reminded that no matter how difficult things can get, we can all overcome them with kindness, compassion and friendship. AND GIUSEPPE JUST HELD THERE. And by the way, where was Jurgen? Why was Chigs the only one who wanted to do anything? Everyone is complicit in this tragedy, no ifs, no …

The article image titled GBBO's Most NSFW Episode is now available to stream

Screenshot: Netflix

Okay, we’re done. Cristalle I have a handshake for her (oh Good God) “Pickle Cottage” pie, won by a Michelin-starred baker, Amanda went home, and Chigs is my new favorite to win. Anyone in the tent can go cram their creations in their pie holes, and I hope this is the last hole I’m talking about today.


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